Why I Hate Heroes of Newerth

Colin, over the course of the summer, has developed a full-blown addiction to a game called Heroes of Newerth. Or, as his gamer friends call it, HoN (pronounced like Han of Han Solo and omg i just made a star wars reference what is happening to me).

As I type this, at 11pm, Colin is happily clicking away. Each click is like an ice pick in my brain. For some reason, playing this game requires some sort of finger mutation that forces you to click the damn mouse 18,000 times a second. Also for reasons unknown, Colin and his friends are only capable of playing this game after dark. And the games last FOR HOURS.

And I feel like I finally understand what Britney Spears went through a few years ago. Maybe it was the flashbulbs that did it to her, but all the clicking makes me want to shave my head and beat the crap out of an SUV with an umbrella too!

“So just tell him to stop!”

Oh my friends, I have asked. Begged. Pleaded. “Please, darling, love of my life, likely father of my future children unless Orlando Bloom leaves whasterface, would you please LET ME SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.”

Did you know that you can’t just up and leave a game of Heroes of Newerth? Back in the days of his World of Warcraft addiction, he could just up and leave whenever I got that exasperated look on my face, or starting throwing whatever was on the bedside table at his head. Unless, of course, he was in the middle of a 7 person raid, in which case all hope was lost. Oh, those dreamy days of World of Warcraft. The good old days. With Heroes of Newerth (furthermore to be referred to as HoN because I feel like SUCH a nerd writing ‘Newerth’, and clearly unnecessarily capitalizing letters makes me way cooler) if you leave the game early one too many times, they won’t let you play ever again. It’s some kind of McCarthyism for gamers. Much like straying from the path of capitalism, straying from the incessant clicking will get you blacklisted.

At least this is what he tells me.

Maybe I’ll do a little research.

Not like I’m going to sleep anyways since I just asked when the clicking from hell would be over, and he said “hopefully in about 20 minutes.”

You know that annoying noise Snooki makes when she’s tired or whiny or just generally being annoying? That kind of “NNYYYAHHH” or “MAAHHHH” noise? Yeah, I’m totally making that noise. I’ve crossed over. Send Help.


2 Comments on “Why I Hate Heroes of Newerth”

  1. Rahman says:

    Hahaha…. I started playing the game myself and I can honestly say without any doubt, that it’s not good in any way for anyone to start. Bad community full of… well full of not very nice people. As a gamer, the point system is horrible, though it has good graphics.

    If he’s really good or just cannot quit, then I’d suggest switching to Dota 2. Most recently, the tournament prizes were in the thousands with the top prize being a million dollars straight up. And the game (I believe) will be much better overall.

    Of course, it’s better if he just quit it. I’m planning too, after playing for just a while seeing how entire hours seem like minutes playing the game.

    And oh… I’ve a partial solution to your problem if your husband is willing to compromise. Just ask him to play on new bogus accounts when it gets late. He should know what it means. Basically, just create a new account and play on it. That way, he doesn’t need to ruin his *established* account by disconnecting or leaving a game.

    Hahah… hope you reply as I’m curious to find someone as addicted to the game as myself.

  2. Meg says:

    Wow reading this, I really thought it was something from my own memory. My boyfriend recently jumped on the HON wagon…. I have never been so turned off by a man in my life. That game is vagina repellent. He literally gets with a group of friends (which are also my lame ass friends) and plays for hours. Believe me I tried to be the good girlfriend/friend and get interested in the mind melthing game, but it’s impossible. Sitting in a room while they plays makes me go insane….click…click….click…click click click click click click click…..click. This also makes me realize I need new friends.
    My guy was into World of Warcraft for a while too…. I would also take that game any day. At least it had a fucking story line.

    I’m actually hoping you write back as well… you wrote this in September… has the madness died down? God, PLEASE let there be hope.

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