Why I Hate Heroes of Newerth

Colin, over the course of the summer, has developed a full-blown addiction to a game called Heroes of Newerth. Or, as his gamer friends call it, HoN (pronounced like Han of Han Solo and omg i just made a star wars reference what is happening to me).

As I type this, at 11pm, Colin is happily clicking away. Each click is like an ice pick in my brain. For some reason, playing this game requires some sort of finger mutation that forces you to click the damn mouse 18,000 times a second. Also for reasons unknown, Colin and his friends are only capable of playing this game after dark. And the games last FOR HOURS.

And I feel like I finally understand what Britney Spears went through a few years ago. Maybe it was the flashbulbs that did it to her, but all the clicking makes me want to shave my head and beat the crap out of an SUV with an umbrella too!

“So just tell him to stop!”

Oh my friends, I have asked. Begged. Pleaded. “Please, darling, love of my life, likely father of my future children unless Orlando Bloom leaves whasterface, would you please LET ME SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.”

Did you know that you can’t just up and leave a game of Heroes of Newerth? Back in the days of his World of Warcraft addiction, he could just up and leave whenever I got that exasperated look on my face, or starting throwing whatever was on the bedside table at his head. Unless, of course, he was in the middle of a 7 person raid, in which case all hope was lost. Oh, those dreamy days of World of Warcraft. The good old days. With Heroes of Newerth (furthermore to be referred to as HoN because I feel like SUCH a nerd writing ‘Newerth’, and clearly unnecessarily capitalizing letters makes me way cooler) if you leave the game early one too many times, they won’t let you play ever again. It’s some kind of McCarthyism for gamers. Much like straying from the path of capitalism, straying from the incessant clicking will get you blacklisted.

At least this is what he tells me.

Maybe I’ll do a little research.

Not like I’m going to sleep anyways since I just asked when the clicking from hell would be over, and he said “hopefully in about 20 minutes.”

You know that annoying noise Snooki makes when she’s tired or whiny or just generally being annoying? That kind of “NNYYYAHHH” or “MAAHHHH” noise? Yeah, I’m totally making that noise. I’ve crossed over. Send Help.