How to Change a Tire in TofinoPosted: May 20, 2011
Yesterday, I learned how to change a tire.
By “learned” I mean watched, took pictures of and generally annoyed people who were actually trying to change a tire.
First, you approach the offending tire.
* I should let you know that this tire does not belong to Colin’s car. It belongs to Carl, and Colin came to help him change it. I’m just here for posterity.
You should give the tire a good firm talking to, something along the lines of “You haff displeased me.” Speak in a Russian accent if possible. “You know how I deal vith things that displease me.”
Once you have the tire good and scared, you may proceed to the dismantling of the tire.
You must choose your weapon wisely.
Next, grab your slightly less attractive replacement tire, and some kind of bendy piece of metal that looks pretty flimsy.
Remove your hubcap and cast it aside, as it is useless and never really did anything for you.
Please refrain from taking out too much aggression on this, as you will need all of your strength and anger for the next steps.
See? You need that aggression to get those stubborn bolts off of the wheel well.
Be aggressive, be-be aggressive!
All 150 pounds of Colin would not budge that bolt. I thought about helping, but then I realized that, if I got up on that wrench and that bolt miraculously moved, I would feel like a fat elephant. A helpful fat elephant, but an elephant nonetheless.
So I kept my big trap shut and took pictures.
Carl managed to loosen the bolt on his own while my internal battle raged on.
Now that you have the bolts loosened, you have to jack up the car. This takes the pressure off the tire and ensures your boyfriend doesn’t get crushed.
Please make sure your e-brake is in use for this, or you will have the heart attack I did when I asked Carl if his e-brake was in use, and he said “I think so.”
It’s all good, his e-brake was totally on. But in those few seconds between “I think so” and looking inside the car I had visions of becoming that woman you hear of in stories who was able to lift a car to save her child from being crushed. I was mentally preparing to be that lady until I was assured that the e-brake was safely in place.
Always be prepared!
I got down on their level to give you a good idea of how the jack works. Also so that it wouldn’t look like I was just some chick taking pictures while the men did the dirty work, which is exactly what was happening. I just didn’t want people to know that, you know?
Now that your car is safely jacked up, you can remove the bolts from the wheel well.
Remove the offending tire from your vehicle, and replace it with the spare.
Tighten the bolts onto the spare tire.Colin would like me to note that you should think of the four bolts as a compass. Tighten north and south first, then east and west. This will make sure that the bolts are evenly tightened and straight, I think.
Now you can lower the jack and get thee to a tire shop.
That, my friends, is a bald tire. Go look at your tires right now. It’s ok, I’ll wait.
Are they bald like that one? You need new tires. I say this because I love you. Bald tires are unsafe, especially if you plan on coming out to visit me. The road to Tofino is twisty and windy, you need all the traction you can get!
Come visit. Check your tires. That is all.