The Pre-Trip Trip, Part II

I bet you want to know more about Coshocton. I bet you got really riled up after my post about Ohio and just had to know more. Ohio can be like that. Riveting, you know?

Welcome to Coshocton!

This picture never fails to make me laugh. So many questions come up! How are the cemeteries getting here? Is everyone coming? Do the people of Ohio know that their dead people are coming to Coshocton? Because they might have strong feelings about cadavers in Coshocton (awesome move name, by the way).

This is Bob Evans. Also known as the home of all things delicious and fattening. When we come, we always get the sausage gravy and biscuits. Those babies almost turned Natalie from her vegetarianism. Colin has never had sausage gravy and biscuits, so I am expecting some kind of marriage proposal on the trip.

Just sayin.

These are the stacks of the paper mill. At least, I think its a paper mill. No one has ever given me a straight answer. All I know is that the stacks make the town smell like mozzarella. Not in an “oh my god this town stinks” way, it just seems to have its own…scent…that is neither pleasing nor displeasing. Just kind of cheesy.

The other stop on our trip is Columbus. Columbus is lovely. The shopping is really, really good and it is home to the yummiest ice cream chain, Graeters. And a pub where I discovered deep fried pickles.

I measure everything in terms of food and shopping. I find it is a fair way to assess any city, as I don’t care about anything else.

You got a nice museum? I don’t care. Great beaches? Yeah, whatever, I don’t like bathing suits. Don’t even try to tell me about your monuments, I’m not listening.

A few years ago, we went to the home opener of The Ohio State University’s football team. I had a heart attack when we walked into this place. Never in my life had I seen anything like it. There were SNIPERS around the perimeter of the stadium. And you couldn’t buy a damn beer because it was a university game. Lightweights.

Natalie is no lightweight. The funniest thing was, you could drink outside at the tailgate parties, but only if you put the beer in the college-issue red cups. As you can see, Natalie is too hardcore for that business. But you couldn’t drink in the stadium, because¬† most university kids are under 21. Even though those kids were totally just drinking out of red cups in the parking lot.

This was something that deeply upset my Canadian upbringing.

Yeah, you read that sign right. It says Hiney Gate. As in tail gate, but hiney. Haha. Butt. Hiney. I’ll stop now.

After every home game, people would go to a hotel parking lot across from the stadium. It was like a damn state fair right there. And then it gets crazy. Ladies….boobies…bras on the hotel sign…beer being thrown…

And my PARENTS took me to this place. I was horrified.

Whenever we’re in Columbus, I get a little horrified. This is because Columbus, or more specifically Ohio State University, is where my parents met. In the seventies. While in college.

I don’t need to know what went on while they were there. It was the seventies, it was college. Please, Dad, stop telling me about the time you nailed the Hari Krishna’s shoes to their front porch. Don’t tell me about when you and your friends taped a man naked to a chair in winter and put him outside the girls dorm.

Ohio is where my grandma lives, and thus is a little bit holy. So please, for the sake of my sanity, stop sullying it with tales of your college escapades!

“Hey Alex, did I ever tell you about the time we loaded up a guys convertible with dirt because he stole our parking space?”

Pray for me.

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