To Surf Or Not To Surf

….my dears, that is the question.

Let me preface this by saying that I have tried surfing many times. So many times, in fact, that I bought a wetsuit. A really, really good one that makes surfers green with jealousy (or is that just the pot?). I love my wetsuit. It makes me feel like Halle Berry in Catwoman, except of course when I wear my wetsuit I don’t ruin perfectly good female superheroes with awful remakes of movies.

Just sayin.

I tried to surf so much that I EVEN BOUGHT A SURFBOARD. It is a great starter board. It is essentially a flat boat covered in foam. I named her Rhonda so I could sing “Help Me Rhonda” and mean it. I also like calling her “Big Rhonda” because I think that is the only acceptable thing to call anyone named Rhonda. And she’s big! At a gorgeous nine feet tall, she’s a brick house (yet another classic, and coincidentally, my current ringtone. I’m retro like that).

Neither of these expensive purchases have helped me actually stand up on a surfboard. Not since my first horizontal tango with a surfboard in 2004 on Hana-lei Bay have I been able to stand on a surfboard. Maybe Hawaii ruined me.

I wouldn’t be surprised, really. Doesn’t Hawaii kind of ruin everyone? Life is just never the same after you’ve been to a place where the air smells like flowers, the water is never cold, and the people have perfected the art of roasting a whole pig underground.

For those of you who haven’t been to Tofino and wrongfully thought, as I once did, that the water there is warm because people surf there, you are so very very wrong. The water temperature tops out at about 13 degrees Celsius in the summer. And no matter what lies I will tell people at the visitor’s center to get them in the water, no amount of neoprene will prevent you from feeling cold in those first few moments.

Beyond the frigid waters of the Pacific, there are slight anatomical difficulties for me when it comes to surfing. I finally discovered what the problem was a few weeks ago when my trainer made me do Burpies. If you’ve never done a Burpie, please take this moment to thank your lucky stars. They are an awful combination of pushups and high jumps. Thank those lucky stars again (just in case). And strikingly similar to the way surfers get up on their boards.

I couldn’t do the Burpies. It has nothing to do with me being horribly out of shape – even though that might have factored in on me almost passing out in one session – but everything to do with the way I’m built. I just don’t fold up very well. I can’t get compact, which is kind of necessary in the whole *paddle-paddle-scrunchupinaball-pop-up-and-surf* method.

I also hate moving fast. That might have something do with it.

So at the moment, I have a gorgeous wetsuit and a $300, nine foot boogie board. This summer, I am committing myself to standing up on Big Rhonda. She deserves it. I deserve it. And most of all, Colin deserves a girlfriend who can at least hold it together in the whitewash.

He’s getting really tired of pushing my board for me. But the bicep workout is so worth it, right hun?

Right?

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